also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
