Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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