if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
