Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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