Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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