I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
