I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
