Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
