Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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