my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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