According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
