I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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