worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
