I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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