Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
