I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
