I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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