giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
