I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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