1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
