I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
