You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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