Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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