He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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