i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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