My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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