so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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