Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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