My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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