It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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