I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
