so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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