Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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