Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
