my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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