FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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