Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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