We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
