6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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