If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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