he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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