So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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