Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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