Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
