Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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