I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
of course. lets lasso hookers.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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