so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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