from now on my penis is your penis
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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