Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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