she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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