i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
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I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.