Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.