fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.