My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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