is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Ladies don't puke and tell
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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