But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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