just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
