I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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