I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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