My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
4 words: hood of his car
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
