I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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